In the meantime, you can relax

Hi Carina,

I am a strong fan of Ram Dass and I try my best to follow his suggestions in Be Here Now.* However I have two questions. One is referring to my love life which is: why do I keep getting let down by people or am quickly disinterested once they are [interested]? And my second one is referring to my passion which is music. I am in college but my dream is music. What should I do?

Thanks,
Coen


*The writer mentions Ram Dass and Be Here Now because I've been writing on a blogging project related to Ram Dass's classic book. - Carina



*****



Dear Coen,

Thank you so much for writing. I'm confident that a lot of readers are wondering similar things in their own lives.

Relationships come when they come and stick around when they stick around. As does everything else. Surrendering ourselves to this natural flow comes, in part, from quieting the mind. Then we are present to the fullness of each moment, exactly where we are. When that happens, the desire or expectation for a relationship can relax. And I'm not making any promises, but they do say that when we're not seeking something is when it actually shows up.

A time will come when eventually you'll meet someone whose disappointments and affection don't drive you away. In the meantime, you can relax.

It could be, too, that you don't really want to be in a relationship right now. For ages I thought that I should want a relationship. It was liberating for me when I realized that wasn't something I was seeking at the time (even though it seemed like that's what all single people should want). With that realization dropped all shoulds and pinings and wistful wishings. So much space opened up and- lo and behold - who walked in but a pretty awesome man.

And now we get to see if we can live with each other's disappointments and affection. It's an on-going process, and it's a lovely gift for our growth as individuals. When you can receive genuine caring from another, and when you can observe your automatic responses to things that ultimately have no meaning but which we're convinced are offensive, you're given the gift of a heart that can relax, open up and breathe.

For now, don't make yourself wrong if this isn't where you are. I say, don't worry about it. We can analyze the heck out of ya and say you have a fear of intimacy or you weren't raised right or any other psychological avenue, but shoot, who doesn't have that fear? What was raised right?

Allowing nature to flow and to present us with opportunities in the exact right moments - because there's no other way those moments can be - leaves room to chill out, enjoy the ride, and watch with curiosity.

You can apply this to your school question, too. That is, go by your intuition, which is ultimately aligned with the flow of the universe. If you can't hear it, perhaps a little meditation, journal-writing, cleaning, walking on a trail - whatever shifts you out of your thinking - will help you hear. And remember, sometimes what you hear is nothing and so there is nothing to do.

If you find that you're in a situation that you really don't want to be in (i.e. school versus focusing on music), check in with yourself and find out what the natural next step is. Again, it may be to do nothing. It may be to continue on as you are and watch for the next message that directly guides you.

Surrender, man. It's not always an easy thing. But I know for sure that churning the mind around on such issues as relationship woes and career/inspiration path can be a dangerous and muddied road. Shoulds do their best to crowd out intuition. Nevertheless, what is to be will be, and there's no way around it.

See if you can relax. Then let us know what happens.

Thank you so much for writing.

Gratefully,

Carina

P.S. I would be remiss in not mentioning Julia Cameron's The Artist Way here. This book is a 12-week self-guided course that did heaps for me in sloughing off "shoulds" and getting to what I really dig, in a natural and fun way. This column came out of that project. Do it with a friend. (Thanks, Deborah G.!)

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

I'm Curious to See What Happens Next

Dear Carina,

I’ve really appreciated, understood, and enjoyed your messages. Because of this, I thought that maybe you could offer me a different, more clear, or even rational meaning of what is lately a perplex issue within myself. My question Carina is, “How does one know the difference between what they’re responsible for (i.e. purpose, life, career) from what God’s in control of?” I consider myself a Christian; while not following a specific religion, I believe that there are things that “God” makes happen i.e. blessings, miracles, opened doors, ect. And then there are things that we as individuals make happen i.e. direction taken, choices, decisions, progress; thus creating perpetual cycles of us all fulfilling a natural purpose.

Having said that, we see in life “I believe” people who neither seek “God’s” direction nor make progress; thereby living in misery, sadness, maybe poverty, and hopelessness because they make all the wrong choices, give up, or become self defeating.

Granted, I’m not defeated, I seek to understand and persevere ahead all the time; but, I’m STUCK and have been for months. I have drive, passion, training, eagerness, and desire; I just don’t quite get the (For What) part. For years I have molded a career in autism services. But, since my independent contract ended with The Rich Center in June, I have struggled and been burdened about where I’m supposed to be.

Is my work in the field of autism directed by God or me? I feel really disappointed in the fact that I have not chosen or decided on what to do and because of that I haven’t worked for two months. But, I have a really big concern that because I like to be in control, I’m going to choose the wrong thing, “if God’s in control and I don’t let him guide me or look toward an answer.” And, is it responsible to look for direction to move in the right direction?

Please HELP!!!!

Signed, Jen



*****



Dear Jen,

Great question!

It sounds like you are divided between two worlds: that of asking for God’s help and that of your own will and intentional drive.

What if they are the same thing?

I wonder how there can be some things (“blessings, miracles, opened doors, etc.”) that God controls or makes happen and the rest of it is left to our human will (“direction taken, choices, decisions, progress”)?

I suggest you ask yourself these questions. The answers are as specifically yours as your specific scenario and questions are.

Westerners seem to have this idea that good and mysterious things come from God whereas rational and mind-driven occurrences come from something else. But I ask you, what is not mysterious? Even when thoughts arise and decision-making occurs, where do those thoughts come from? Who makes the decisions?

Here I sit on the couch at the coffee shop typing these words to you. Who is typing the words? Whose words are these and whose ideas? And whatever happens next, who guides that decision? Will I go to the grocery store? Will I go home? Will I stay here the rest of the day? Is this all already decided and set in motion and all my thinking, plotting and planning has nothing to do with it?

So I ask you again, is it possible to live both a guided life and a rational life?

I don’t think so. Then again, I think that it’s all been decided already, including us thinking that we have any choice in the matter, including us having this conversation now.

This seems almost too simplistic, and yet, there it is. Can you practice taking your hands off the wheel and allowing the flow of life to guide you rather than your rational, driven mind (that hasn't been getting you anywhere, I might add)?

The spiritual path is one that doesn’t make any rational sense. And I’m thankful for that, challenging as it can be sometimes. Very few things that I’m up to lately make sense according to the traditional, linear, Western-focused mind. I don’t necessarily recommend this to anyone, but since you were moved to ask me your questions, I might suggest that there is something outside of the linear and rational that’s calling to you too.

You ask if it’s responsible to look for directions to move in the right direction. Well, I don’t know from responsible, but I am a fan of praying for help and then letting it go. Prayer works for me because I believe it does. If you can surrender to the greater system beyond our limited human perspective and let it do its work, then your next move will be clear to you.

Remember, too, that the next move may be to do nothing.

Are you ready to throw rational out the window and truly be guided?

I’m curious to see what happens next.

With love and appreciation,
Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

Not in Action, But in Observation

Dear Carina,

I am 59 years of age, but I too am an angry little girl inside. My family was from Long Island, New York; a wealthy community where we appeared to be “normal and happy”. But, my parents were dysfunctional people who desperately tried to form-fit me and my brother to their fucked up standards. Neither parent grew up with an important father or mother figure in their lives, and as a result didn’t know how to be parents to us. My father was a success-driven man who worked, ate and slept with little time for anything but discipline for his children. My mother didn’t have a role model of a mother and was totally unequipped to show love or affection to us. I rebelled as soon as I was able to think and speak, thus becoming the ‘difficult, uncooperative and argumentative’ daughter. I grew up feeling that I was never good enough, didn’t deserve love and affection, and very self-destructive.

As an adult all of these inner feelings manifested into bad decisions with relationships and life in general. Now I realize that each and every thing that happened was meant to happen for my inner growth and evolution.

There is one thing I am wrestling with, which I need help with. I was born with a scoliosis (spinal curvature) and have been in physical pain since I was 24, and it just got worse (it’s a degenerating condition) with age and time. I am dependent on pain medication, as there is no cure or relief for my condition.

I find myself living in the ‘pain body’ literally and figuratively. I am always in pain, and it’s very easy to be in the present and watch the pain body, acknowledge that it’s there, but never can get past it. I am a survivor. I had to become that to get through life. There is always anger right below the surface. Most of the time I keep it in check, but when I have to interact with my mother the anger seeps out and I can get very ugly with my words. I know now that she did everything she could to be a “good mother,” yet she was a failure and I cannot seem to let it go.

I want to get rid of the anger I have inside, but everything I have ever tried never works for very long. I read Be Here Now when it first came out, and every book Ram Dass wrote in addition to many other teachers. Mr. Tolle’s works are very important, yet extremely heavy reading for me.

Do you have any thoughts you could share with me?

Debby



*****

Dear Debby,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your question with us.

We all have some part that we manage to keep beneath the surface that sometimes just comes out, like it or not.

There are few situations that bring it out of me like hanging out with my family. It's such a trip to see. And that's what we're going to talk about here: seeing. That is, watching without judgment.

The way you describe your parents is familiar. So few parents were given workable road maps for parenting. Our parents surely stumbled - and continue to stumble - through the process and the role playing as most of us stumble through most of our intimate relationships: driven by righteousness, thoughts, emotions, and social constructs; unconscious, and with a weight from our minds telling us that either they or we should be somehow other than how we are.

My family scares me; they are such mirrors for me. When I'm with them my general laissez-faire attitude goes right out the window, and I just become one big ball of resistance. I wouldn't even know I was resisting if I couldn't feel it in my body. And Debby, I know you are acutely aware of your body, so you can notice the tensing of resistance right away. I tighten up because there's some other way that I want my people to be (even if I have no conscious vision of what any other way would be). Then there's the way I think I should be being, too. Then I need a chair massage.

We can't control our family members, nor can we rationalize our way out of feeling discomfort, resentment, sadness, fear or anger. And I'm quite certain that our parents had their version of this with their parents - not to mention with us, too - and that they feel badly - combined with justified - about their feelings. We all have this in common.

The good news is, nobody's doing anything wrong.

And, in fact, nothing needs to change. There is one small shift that we can make, not in action, but in observation, that can make a huge difference and can breathe space, freedom and movement into these situations that just seem like failures.

I watched myself go through it with my mom the other day. We were driving in the car, and she asked me a question that just flipped my automatic switch. Rather than being that comforting space of presence my boyfriend encouraged me to be (easy for him to say, he's in New Zealand, not in Ohio), I was just my mom's kid, offensive and offending as ever. Even as I write this, I smile. It's been such a mirror and such a lesson in just watching the waves of humanness.

We watch, as if from up in a giant oak tree, with solid branches to hold us and roots that won't budge no matter how we behave. We see the whole scene play out and have compassion and empathy for ourselves and each other. We have compassion because from that vantage point we see and know that these emotional moments, however minute or grand they seem at the time, are part of the natural arising and passing away of everything in this life. We can watch, without being lost inside of them. We can allow them to play out. What use is it to try to resist a wave?

And we have empathy because from up in the observation oak, we can see that we're all in the same boat. Unconsciously acting out our robotic roles and wishing that we behaved and reacted differently. Most of us think on some level that there's something really wrong with us. We have this in common with everyone: our parents, our siblings, everyone.

We can be grateful that we have any moments of consciousness at all!

I know in your heart that you want to forgive your mother and allow her to be. But it's tricky when your head is trying to do the forgiving. You write, "I know now that she did everything she could to be a 'good mother,' . . . " and you probably make yourself wrong for not being able to internalize that.

Remember, there's no should in spiritual growth.

What we are here to experience in every moment is what we are here to experience. That's just how it is and it couldn't be any other way.

So what you get to do is just feel that anger, notice your resistance, watch it all play out, and allow the moment to be. You’ll notice that the allowing and observation lets the air out of the tires of the situation.

We would do well to remember that we are spirit born into form to experience life through these specific forms. And along with these forms come emotions and weirdness and words that we wish we could take back. And if we can, however momentarily, get ourselves to the place where we can watch it all go by with a smile and a pat on the head, we are bringing the source of all life and unchanging peace into that moment, and the moment has infinite value.

I'm grateful that you wrote and that we're contemplating these experiences together.

Love,

Carina

P.S. You mention that Eckhart Tolle's works are heavy reading for you, and I want to recommend his amazing and almost unbearably simple new book, Guardians of Being. My attempts to describe the simple spaciousness do not do this book justice. My mom and I both relate to this sweet book, with drawings by cartoonist Patrick McDonnell. In fact the copy of the book I have now, my mom gave me. It is instant slicing through the noise of the mind, and is an usher into the present. I highly recommend it.

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

The Birth of True Compassion

Dear Carina,

How do I get rid/tame the angry little girl who lives inside me? She sabotages almost everything I do, holds my tongue to keep me from speaking up for myself which compounds the self-hate that I am trying to heal.

(Inner child, emotional and sexually abusive childhood)

Yes, I have "The Courage to Heal" and yes, I am in counseling, and yes, I am taking anti-depressants.

Ideas?

~ Annie



*****



Dear Annie,

Thank you for writing. A lot of times when I get letters from readers, I go through a time of feeling inept. I read about scenarios that I may or may not have experienced first hand and wonder what I can possibly contribute to the situation. I think this process actually helps because it gets me out of my mind and into a deeper inquiry.

I've been chewing on your question for some time now, and I went through that inept phase. Next I thought about automatic therapeutic answers: working with the little girl, nurturing her, asking her what she wants, working out a deal to give her loving attention as soon as possible. These can be useful practices, in part, because in order to practice them, we need to have a level of awareness that the little girl is activated.

All humans have some form of this. Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body. What's beautiful about his distinction is that it depersonalizes the experience. In fact, it universalizes it. The pain body could also be referred to as our unconscious or automatic states of being. These are ways of being that are programmed into us, coming from many different sources: genetics, our parents, our culture and its own collective suffering, the great suffering of our ancestors, or simply being human and forgetting that we are the Divine itself.

These states are not personal, and they are not the depth of who we truly are. But, man, are they convincing, not only that they are us, but also that who we are is awful.

Right? Did I hear you say something about self-hate? So painful. So terribly painful. And on some level, all humans have this experience.

I found this written on a notepad next to my bed last night: "When the pain body is activated and in charge, we cannot choose," and I thought of you. It's not your fault nor even the angry little girl's fault. We are not conscious when the pain body is active. It's like sleepwalking.

So what are we going to do?

How about this, from Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now; when you are activated, especially if you can notice it coming on:

"Focus attention on the negative feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain body. Accept that it is there. Don't think about it—don't let the feeling turn into thinking. Don't judge yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you."

When you move into the observer position, even for a fraction of a second, you break the resistance and struggle with the situation, and the seed of peace is planted.

This is also where true compassion is born. As we stop associating who we are with what's happening in our mind and settle back into a neutral place of watching, our hearts soften at the poignancy of the human condition.

We see these tender hearts that long to be cared for, and in these moments when the upset part of us is driving the show and we fight against it, it can only turn and hit back. The paradox and relief comes through allowing it to be. So, we observe, as gently as we can. Oh there's that again. And here I go again. And [keep breathing] there it is again.

In doing this practice, the mind stream is interrupted, and a sliver of presence is inserted. Oh, here I am walking through the grocery store parking lot and the sun feels hot and so does the blacktop. We do not think these things, we simply experience this moment through our senses. It may be brief and fleeting, but these moments have cumulative benefits.

Just remember, you may not get relief in the very moment that you're practicing. Or you may. But even if you don't, trust me that any practice that brings us into the present over and over again - that is, interrupts the judging, judging mind - is ultimately beneficial and could very well begin to soothe that sad (and so acting angry) little girl.

I know that your question will be helpful to lots of people and I thank you again for writing.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

One of the Great Miracles Made Possible through Intimate Relationships

Hi, Carina~

I am wrestling with ambivalence about an intimate relationship~ whether I should stay or leave. It's not easy because I absolutely love this man, and he loves me, and we are faithful to one another endlessly. But we have some issues in our relationship, mostly what I think is built-up resentment. We argue often now, most of the time over perceived needs that are not being met and little things that trigger anger. There are insecurities on both sides, and we are both flawed and human. Sometimes I feel so unhappy and have a lot of sorrow and guilt because I don't want to make my beloved or myself unhappy. He has issues with depression, and I feel like I might be enabling him by feeding his complacency with my own energy because I feel like I've fallen into a rut. Sometimes my gut tells me to run and sometimes it tells me to hold fast. Anyway, it's very complicated and I am aware that I am whipping myself into a frenzy as my monkey-mind pathologically chatters on... I'm just so confused and weary to the point of feeling profound failure at times.

I'm going to start counseling for myself, and I'm hoping that if we go as a couple that it might help. I just want to do the right thing for both of us, but I'm not sure what that is. Any advice on how to proceed?

In Loving Gratitude,

~~~~



*****



Dear Friend,

I'm so glad you wrote. What you're asking about here is indeed a universal scenario; that is, ambivalence in relationships. Kudos right away for the level of awareness that you're bringing. This is the key.

You write that you know that your monkey-mind's chattering is perpetuating your spinning, questioning mind. That's brilliant. All you have to do is notice.

You can always tell the difference between when the thoughts and ideas are coming from the mind (sometimes called the ego or unconsciousness) and when they're coming from stillness and intuition within.

It's as if the noticing, the observation, creates a ribbon of space, like the thin line of the Earth's atmosphere. In this sliver of silence, wisdom can arise.

I am always saying the same thing, aren't I?

You're not always going to be able to quiet down the churning in the moment. And so your job is to observe it -- without judgment -- as best as you can, being a human being who's pretty much always judging and assessing, like the rest of us. Observe all of it, as gently as you can.

Another thing to watch for with our intimate partners is the inevitable arising of old habit patterns. I mean, we're talking ancient habit patterns, that are surely and perfectly instigated by our partners' own brand of the same.

I have experienced in my relationship moments when mine and my partner's stuff are activated and no one can tell who's went off first (chicken? egg?) but there we are, reacting. And so, if I'm really paying attention, I have the opportunity to recognize my own old habits (I get pompous!) without having to get on board with whatever story they're telling me about why there's a problem with [any] relationship.

Or if I think I'm seeing some unconscious behavior in my partner, if I'm conscious enough not to get swept up in my own old reactions and posturing, I can notice it happening and hang out in a neutral position that is ultimately one of tender compassion.

And this seems to be one of the great miracles made possible through intimate relationships: the ability to be still or have someone be still enough for you that the unconscious patterns that we developed eons ago are not taken for who we really are. So much healing to be found, universally, every time we rest in that compassionate knowing.

And we have to have that compassion for ourselves. It's the only way this works.

So, should you leave your partner? I don't know, and I don't know that it matters. You don't need to know either. Opening up space -- and using the difficult times as catalysts for creating those slivers of space -- will allow life to flow naturally and for each moment's actions to become obvious to you as they arise.

There is no right or wrong scenario. There is only the opportunity to shift from the sleepy game of the mind, to the peaceful space of stillness that is who we really are.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com