How can any of it be wrong?

Carina,

I have had this feeling all summer and now into the fall. For the last ten years, I have completely, willingly, and with my whole heart supported, advocated, and provided over half of my services to The Jones Center on a volunteer basis. Granted I learned, grew, and was afforded a profession that prior to The Jones Center I didn't have. Nonetheless, as my contracted ended at the end of June, the Director, who meant the world to me and more, and I, completely dissolved our relationship.

Now, she says very little to me; if at all. Most remarks she makes are in the form of polite daggers which kill me even more. This has been a huge hurdle to overcome because as much as I feel "Rotten" about it, and as much as I try to accept the fact that someone who I looked up to, respected, admired, and cared for is settling with being a stranger to me, I come right back to the same place. I feel that there is a doorway...I don't believe that everything that I've learned, experienced, and all that I've accomplished was in vain. I just am burdened with understanding really how someone you trust with out question, has become someone who breaks your heart with out question. So, what do you do once you accept that you feel rotten about something that you can't change? LOL Jen



*****



Dear Jen,

Thank you for writing. It sounds like a mysterious situation.

I've been mulling it over for some time, and I want to focus on one angle: your experience of feeling rotten. You said, "What do you do once you accept that you feel rotten about something that you can't change?"

Jen, I can't say for sure because we have not been talking about this in person, but I suspect that you have not truly accepted that you are feeling rotten. Now wait. Before you feel that I'm shoulding you or placing more pressure on you when you're already struggling with feelings, know that's not the deal. In fact, I want to offer you space, permission, to just get into what YOU are experiencing.

There's really nothing else we can do anything about.

Even attempting to analyze the other people involved in the offending situation can't really be done with true understanding if we aren't fully experiencing, without apology, our present feelings.

So I recommend to you, my friend, that you just let that rottenness come when it arises. And get yourself quiet, still - even if it's just for a moment here and there - and drop into your body and feel the sensations of rottenness arising and doing whatever it is they're doing. This is a gateway that we rarely allow ourselves. It's a doorway whose key we don't realize we have.

See, 'cuz the thing is, we can't possibly know what's going on with the other person. And it sounds like your friend probably doesn't know either. We think we know why we do things or act certain ways, but we don't.

Which is relieving in a way, because then all there is left for us to do is experience.

So I invite you to take a little time and get still and quiet and let those feelings rise (arise? arrive? let it ride?), without any judgment on how you should be feeling or what you should be thinking. From the meanest and angriest to the saddest, most fearful or loving: they're all sensations that you can watch and feel move as waves, arising and always returning back home.

I'm curious whether or not you've talked with your friend about what may have gone wrong for her. Still, the most fertile ground is within the experience of your own sensations, without added stories.

It's courageous and a-typical and, paradoxically, so worthwhile.

I can imagine it feels pretty rotten, and I suspect there's some relief in there too. But don't take my word for it.

Thank you for writing and sharing your experience with us.

Love,
Carina

If questions arise from this writing, please email

carina@nowstayopen.com

A Benevolent Invitation

People have been coming to me with their heartbreaks. Mostly men the past few days, interestingly enough.

I'm not talking too much these days, and I have declined to get into much conversation. I see my role more as one of opening space within myself, feeling infinity, and knowing from here that the sad times are also filled with grace. They are grace ready to come out. When I'm riding the heartbreak waves, and I can remember this, it makes the experience very interesting.

What is it like to go through emotions that we call dark and at the same time feel light emanating from them? And how is it possible to have both?

It comes from a stillness of the mind. No thought can allow for such openness during heartache. The fire that burns as our suffering is fanned by our thoughts, playing out the story and its tale of woe.

And then there's a place deep inside that can actually contain . . . can hold you and your fear and your agony and the watery flow of sadness. For it is flowing. It is not fixed. Thoughts and emotions together want to lock something down, fix it as black or white, and hold to it. Only in letting our emotions erupt - with neither judgment of them nor of the catalyzing situation - can we experience this flow and allow everything to move.

This is a way to allow old emotions - I'm talking those that have been stored up since you were too young to remember - to arise and be released, leaving a door wide-open for the stillness that exists as our natural state to permeate the moment and, subsequently, our interactions with others.

Allowing.

We can't think our way into it. We just can't. Don't even try. If you find yourself doing it, just see it. Take a breath. Take a moment. And with that, you've used the futile attempt to mentally fix as a bell of mindfulness that brings you back to this. And this is it.

All of these situations are inviting us, sometimes subtly, sometimes like a raging storm, to awaken. It is a benevolent invitation. We needn't be afraid (see footnote).* Let the feelings come. Keep breathing. Feel the inner body. Feel infinity. Stay open.

I've been reading this Rumi poem for years, and I came across it today and saw it clearly. Can you find the knowing within yourself, when the head is bound with emotion and tragedy, that allows you to open your chest, relax your shoulders, breathe and surrender to this moment? Surrendering because you know deep within that there is grace in the sadness, and rich comfort on the other side of the woes . . .

I speak from experience. So does our beloved Mevlana (Rumi).

He Gives to Taste ~ Rumi (translated by Jonathan Star)

Do not despair
if the Beloved pushes you away.
If He pushes you away today
it's only so He can draw you back tomorrow.

If He closes the door on your face,
don't leave, wait --
you'll soon be by his side.
If He bars every passage,
don't lose hope --
He's about to show you
a secret way that nobody knows.

A butcher cuts off a sheep's head for food,
not just to throw away.
When the sheep no longer has breath
the butcher fills it
with his own breath.
O what life
God's breath will bring to you!

But the likeness ends here --
For God's bounty is much greater than the butcher's.
God's blows don't bring death but eternal life.
He gives the wealth of Solomon to a single ant.
He gives the treasure of both worlds to all who ask.
He gives and gives
yet does not startle a single heart.

I've traveled to all ends of the earth
and have not found anyone like Him.
Who can match Him?
Who can hold a candle to His glory?

Silence already!
He gives us the wine to taste,
not to talk about. . . .

He gives to taste.
He gives to taste.
He gives to taste.

***

* I wasn't sure about saying, "We needn't be afraid." Tonight I came across this excerpt from the Be Here Now blog project I've been participating in:

"The point is not to feel better; it is to feel. The depth of this moment is all there is and our folly is to attempt to escape this. We will never be away from the now. [This is how we must die. To every sensation but this moment. To past, to future, to thoughts that think past and future exist at all.]

Scary? Go ahead and be scared. There’s the paradox — having the courage to be scared. I mean, what did I expect, taking on a process such as this? And these processes . . . am I willing to look into that mirror? Whose face will I see back?"

If questions arise from this writing, please email

carina@nowstayopen.com

On the Topic of Self-Esteem

Hi Carina,

We in the West are plagued with that critical voice in the back of our heads, telling us that we're not good enough, or we're bad. It is reflected in the fact that we are always told to "become somebody" instead of being somebody (implying that who we are now is somehow not good enough). And if we tell people that we're working on loving ourselves the way we are, people think it's narcissistic. How to combat this attitude? That's the tough part.

Steve



*****



Dear Steve,

I appreciate this topic. It seems to be one of the most common issues that people deal with. I'm seeing lots of pages popping up on Facebook that send out daily cheerful messages letting people know how great they are -- just as they are. These messages wouldn't be coming by the volume (and be being eaten up by the voracious readers) if the readers weren't convinced that self-esteem is something to be reaching for.

What if self-esteem and self-loathing are two sides of the same delusion?

Consider this: Having high self-esteem (in the way that our culture touts it) is as much a costume -- a role -- as having low self-esteem is. Both are built on foundations that lack inherent truth. That is, they are both passing, impermanent, in the world of form.

I know well that voice in the back of the head that says I'm bad. It's a specter that likes to hold my head underwater so I can't breathe and tell me that all of who I am is a failure. I'm happy to say that I don't experience it that often, but I do, and it is a convincing voice, to be sure. Here's the okay thing about it: none of it's true, nor is it fixed. It's a wave of energy passing through, and it can knock down everything in its path, or I can inhale, exhale, and surf it.

Neither is preferable nor better or worse than the other. That is, if you're being bowled over by thoughts and emotions, so be it. Can you consciously allow the knocking around? Surrender to the noise of the moment and just let it do its thing? You'll find in here the paradox of then being able to surf the next wave.

A thought comes in: "I'm so fucked up . . . I hate myself," and there are several ways the mind can go. It can join up with the thoughts like jumping on a box car and riding down the track with the train. Or you can turn around and face the thought, almost looking backward, to see what the source of the thought is. And then you see, it's nothing. Thoughts arise out of nothing.

When you are noticing thoughts coming up and rolling by, rather than running after them or trying to attack back (both actions are magnetic for attaching to your thoughts), you dis-identify with the content of the thought. And then it's just another ephemeral flower, bloomed and now dying. And we are still here.

In this moment, you are giving yourself access to true self-esteem, true confidence. In a non-dualistic sense, there is no such thing as a self to have confidence in. True self-esteem comes from stillness and a relaxed knowing of the deeper essence of consciousness, the field out of which all individuals and our corresponding egos and ego trips arise.

So when you're able, when you're sitting back in the spacious place of observation, and you hear, "I'm a horrible person," you can benefit yourself most greatly by taking a breath right then. Inhale, exhale, drop out of the mind and feel the rippling sensations in your body. That wave is moving and if you allow it, it will move on out, and there will be calm before the next one comes.



In this culture, so set on having us constantly striving and wanting, driving us to do more and shift more and change more and heal more and lose more and earn more, we are terribly misguided to hitch our wagons to stars with no foundation. True worth, which is ultimately neutral and spacious, comes from calming and quieting the external chatter and breathing with the waves that inevitably arise in any human's experience.

All of the experiences we have that seem negative -- and all of those that seem positive, too, for the excitement of good times and success is simply the other side of the despair and failure coin -- have within them the golden opportunity to come into that self-loving space, that tender space that sees the poignancy in human experience and opens and welcomes it, transmuting the fear of wrongness into the great space of awakening.

This has been great to contemplate. Thank you so much for writing.

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

In the meantime, you can relax

Hi Carina,

I am a strong fan of Ram Dass and I try my best to follow his suggestions in Be Here Now.* However I have two questions. One is referring to my love life which is: why do I keep getting let down by people or am quickly disinterested once they are [interested]? And my second one is referring to my passion which is music. I am in college but my dream is music. What should I do?

Thanks,
Coen


*The writer mentions Ram Dass and Be Here Now because I've been writing on a blogging project related to Ram Dass's classic book. - Carina



*****



Dear Coen,

Thank you so much for writing. I'm confident that a lot of readers are wondering similar things in their own lives.

Relationships come when they come and stick around when they stick around. As does everything else. Surrendering ourselves to this natural flow comes, in part, from quieting the mind. Then we are present to the fullness of each moment, exactly where we are. When that happens, the desire or expectation for a relationship can relax. And I'm not making any promises, but they do say that when we're not seeking something is when it actually shows up.

A time will come when eventually you'll meet someone whose disappointments and affection don't drive you away. In the meantime, you can relax.

It could be, too, that you don't really want to be in a relationship right now. For ages I thought that I should want a relationship. It was liberating for me when I realized that wasn't something I was seeking at the time (even though it seemed like that's what all single people should want). With that realization dropped all shoulds and pinings and wistful wishings. So much space opened up and- lo and behold - who walked in but a pretty awesome man.

And now we get to see if we can live with each other's disappointments and affection. It's an on-going process, and it's a lovely gift for our growth as individuals. When you can receive genuine caring from another, and when you can observe your automatic responses to things that ultimately have no meaning but which we're convinced are offensive, you're given the gift of a heart that can relax, open up and breathe.

For now, don't make yourself wrong if this isn't where you are. I say, don't worry about it. We can analyze the heck out of ya and say you have a fear of intimacy or you weren't raised right or any other psychological avenue, but shoot, who doesn't have that fear? What was raised right?

Allowing nature to flow and to present us with opportunities in the exact right moments - because there's no other way those moments can be - leaves room to chill out, enjoy the ride, and watch with curiosity.

You can apply this to your school question, too. That is, go by your intuition, which is ultimately aligned with the flow of the universe. If you can't hear it, perhaps a little meditation, journal-writing, cleaning, walking on a trail - whatever shifts you out of your thinking - will help you hear. And remember, sometimes what you hear is nothing and so there is nothing to do.

If you find that you're in a situation that you really don't want to be in (i.e. school versus focusing on music), check in with yourself and find out what the natural next step is. Again, it may be to do nothing. It may be to continue on as you are and watch for the next message that directly guides you.

Surrender, man. It's not always an easy thing. But I know for sure that churning the mind around on such issues as relationship woes and career/inspiration path can be a dangerous and muddied road. Shoulds do their best to crowd out intuition. Nevertheless, what is to be will be, and there's no way around it.

See if you can relax. Then let us know what happens.

Thank you so much for writing.

Gratefully,

Carina

P.S. I would be remiss in not mentioning Julia Cameron's The Artist Way here. This book is a 12-week self-guided course that did heaps for me in sloughing off "shoulds" and getting to what I really dig, in a natural and fun way. This column came out of that project. Do it with a friend. (Thanks, Deborah G.!)

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

I'm Curious to See What Happens Next

Dear Carina,

I’ve really appreciated, understood, and enjoyed your messages. Because of this, I thought that maybe you could offer me a different, more clear, or even rational meaning of what is lately a perplex issue within myself. My question Carina is, “How does one know the difference between what they’re responsible for (i.e. purpose, life, career) from what God’s in control of?” I consider myself a Christian; while not following a specific religion, I believe that there are things that “God” makes happen i.e. blessings, miracles, opened doors, ect. And then there are things that we as individuals make happen i.e. direction taken, choices, decisions, progress; thus creating perpetual cycles of us all fulfilling a natural purpose.

Having said that, we see in life “I believe” people who neither seek “God’s” direction nor make progress; thereby living in misery, sadness, maybe poverty, and hopelessness because they make all the wrong choices, give up, or become self defeating.

Granted, I’m not defeated, I seek to understand and persevere ahead all the time; but, I’m STUCK and have been for months. I have drive, passion, training, eagerness, and desire; I just don’t quite get the (For What) part. For years I have molded a career in autism services. But, since my independent contract ended with The Rich Center in June, I have struggled and been burdened about where I’m supposed to be.

Is my work in the field of autism directed by God or me? I feel really disappointed in the fact that I have not chosen or decided on what to do and because of that I haven’t worked for two months. But, I have a really big concern that because I like to be in control, I’m going to choose the wrong thing, “if God’s in control and I don’t let him guide me or look toward an answer.” And, is it responsible to look for direction to move in the right direction?

Please HELP!!!!

Signed, Jen



*****



Dear Jen,

Great question!

It sounds like you are divided between two worlds: that of asking for God’s help and that of your own will and intentional drive.

What if they are the same thing?

I wonder how there can be some things (“blessings, miracles, opened doors, etc.”) that God controls or makes happen and the rest of it is left to our human will (“direction taken, choices, decisions, progress”)?

I suggest you ask yourself these questions. The answers are as specifically yours as your specific scenario and questions are.

Westerners seem to have this idea that good and mysterious things come from God whereas rational and mind-driven occurrences come from something else. But I ask you, what is not mysterious? Even when thoughts arise and decision-making occurs, where do those thoughts come from? Who makes the decisions?

Here I sit on the couch at the coffee shop typing these words to you. Who is typing the words? Whose words are these and whose ideas? And whatever happens next, who guides that decision? Will I go to the grocery store? Will I go home? Will I stay here the rest of the day? Is this all already decided and set in motion and all my thinking, plotting and planning has nothing to do with it?

So I ask you again, is it possible to live both a guided life and a rational life?

I don’t think so. Then again, I think that it’s all been decided already, including us thinking that we have any choice in the matter, including us having this conversation now.

This seems almost too simplistic, and yet, there it is. Can you practice taking your hands off the wheel and allowing the flow of life to guide you rather than your rational, driven mind (that hasn't been getting you anywhere, I might add)?

The spiritual path is one that doesn’t make any rational sense. And I’m thankful for that, challenging as it can be sometimes. Very few things that I’m up to lately make sense according to the traditional, linear, Western-focused mind. I don’t necessarily recommend this to anyone, but since you were moved to ask me your questions, I might suggest that there is something outside of the linear and rational that’s calling to you too.

You ask if it’s responsible to look for directions to move in the right direction. Well, I don’t know from responsible, but I am a fan of praying for help and then letting it go. Prayer works for me because I believe it does. If you can surrender to the greater system beyond our limited human perspective and let it do its work, then your next move will be clear to you.

Remember, too, that the next move may be to do nothing.

Are you ready to throw rational out the window and truly be guided?

I’m curious to see what happens next.

With love and appreciation,
Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com