Dear mk,
Thank you so much for writing. I like your language: "feeling a bit under the weather today.. kind of sad too.."
There's something so sweet and humanly poignant about those words.
I thought about you today and about your letter when I found myself ruminating on what seemed to be a problem in my world. I was into the details of it and into why I was justified in feeling stressed. And when I thought about your letter and thought about what I wanted to say to you, I got space in my own world. So I thank you for that. We are in this together.
What I want to share with you is simple: if you are able to notice when you are spinning your mental and emotional wheels in attempt to solve a situation, it's likely that you are simply caught up in the details of the situation. And noticing is all that's necessary. All enlightenment is right there.
These tiny moments that shift our perspective from the level of words, thoughts, stories, complaints, judgments, offense, defense, justification, . . . give our consciousness a chance to breathe, to come out and stretch. Just a momentary breath is access to infinity.
This noticing includes noticing when you're making yourself wrong for how you're feeling. This self-judgment is often such a natural place to go, we seldom notice it's happening, but it will take a person out like nothing else can.
A bit of faith and trust is useful here. And you can take my word for it. There seems to be a cumulative effect of moment upon moment of noticing, of coming back to quiet -- even just for a second -- out of the noisy conversation of the mind and emotional reaction, no matter what the topic. That cumulative effect is peace.
The trust comes into play because you might not seem to get relief immediately in the moment, but any moment that you are able to disidentify with the mind, you are giving yourself the ultimate gift possible in the human experience.
~~~
Now, regarding the relationships, I wonder if you are "trying to understand others' positions and allow him respect, space, etc.. " out of an underlying should?
What I see here is an opportunity to allow what you're feeling. Here's the trick, though: allow your feelings while still observing them. That is, when you are able, simply notice. Notice the feelings and the thoughts that are going along with them. Allow them, feel them, experience them, quiet down the mind for a moment so you can really feel what your system is experiencing, keep breathing, and allow it to pass through you.
And when it comes back, keep breathing.
This is the paradox and miracle of the painful experiences in life: heartbreak leads to divine love, if we're willing to bathe in those warm waters rather than fight them.
This all ties to your question about tucking into your shell and re-grouping. It's my experience that the quieter the mind and the more room we create for our deepest nature to arise and guide us, the more valuable that quiet time is. Or it may be that as we quiet down and let our deepest nature guide us, we no longer have the need or desire to reach outside of ourselves as much.
This does not make it so we no longer connect. In fact, we are able to connect most deeply when we are being truest to ourselves. You may find in doing so that those relationships that feel draining or feel like failures either transform with your own opening heart or they naturally fall away.
I like to think of people as 6.7 billion fingers on the hand of God, each one a unique and detailed creation. There is no set program by which any individual should live. In other words, my dear mk, your intuition and instinct know exactly how to live in the best way for you.
So if your shell is calling you, I say, grab some comfy blankets and a couple seasons of "The Office" on DVD, and get on in there. Your self-care benefits all.
Thank you so much. I'm grateful for your message.
Love,
Carina
* * * * * * *
Hi Carina,
Thank you so much for writing. I like your language: "feeling a bit under the weather today.. kind of sad too.."
There's something so sweet and humanly poignant about those words.
I thought about you today and about your letter when I found myself ruminating on what seemed to be a problem in my world. I was into the details of it and into why I was justified in feeling stressed. And when I thought about your letter and thought about what I wanted to say to you, I got space in my own world. So I thank you for that. We are in this together.
What I want to share with you is simple: if you are able to notice when you are spinning your mental and emotional wheels in attempt to solve a situation, it's likely that you are simply caught up in the details of the situation. And noticing is all that's necessary. All enlightenment is right there.
These tiny moments that shift our perspective from the level of words, thoughts, stories, complaints, judgments, offense, defense, justification, . . . give our consciousness a chance to breathe, to come out and stretch. Just a momentary breath is access to infinity.
This noticing includes noticing when you're making yourself wrong for how you're feeling. This self-judgment is often such a natural place to go, we seldom notice it's happening, but it will take a person out like nothing else can.
A bit of faith and trust is useful here. And you can take my word for it. There seems to be a cumulative effect of moment upon moment of noticing, of coming back to quiet -- even just for a second -- out of the noisy conversation of the mind and emotional reaction, no matter what the topic. That cumulative effect is peace.
The trust comes into play because you might not seem to get relief immediately in the moment, but any moment that you are able to disidentify with the mind, you are giving yourself the ultimate gift possible in the human experience.
~~~
Now, regarding the relationships, I wonder if you are "trying to understand others' positions and allow him respect, space, etc.. " out of an underlying should?
What I see here is an opportunity to allow what you're feeling. Here's the trick, though: allow your feelings while still observing them. That is, when you are able, simply notice. Notice the feelings and the thoughts that are going along with them. Allow them, feel them, experience them, quiet down the mind for a moment so you can really feel what your system is experiencing, keep breathing, and allow it to pass through you.
And when it comes back, keep breathing.
This is the paradox and miracle of the painful experiences in life: heartbreak leads to divine love, if we're willing to bathe in those warm waters rather than fight them.
This all ties to your question about tucking into your shell and re-grouping. It's my experience that the quieter the mind and the more room we create for our deepest nature to arise and guide us, the more valuable that quiet time is. Or it may be that as we quiet down and let our deepest nature guide us, we no longer have the need or desire to reach outside of ourselves as much.
This does not make it so we no longer connect. In fact, we are able to connect most deeply when we are being truest to ourselves. You may find in doing so that those relationships that feel draining or feel like failures either transform with your own opening heart or they naturally fall away.
I like to think of people as 6.7 billion fingers on the hand of God, each one a unique and detailed creation. There is no set program by which any individual should live. In other words, my dear mk, your intuition and instinct know exactly how to live in the best way for you.
So if your shell is calling you, I say, grab some comfy blankets and a couple seasons of "The Office" on DVD, and get on in there. Your self-care benefits all.
Thank you so much. I'm grateful for your message.
Love,
Carina
If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.
nowstayopen@gmail.com.
* * * * * * *
Hi Carina,
feeling a bit under the weather today.. kind of sad too.. I try so hard.. my boyfriend from the middle east (on work assignment from Illinois) .....hasn't written for weeks.. he's busy and doesn't have inet at home..............but gosh, i want to be mad and delete the emails from the last year, .........but i can't nor do I really want to .......... trying to understand others' positions and allow him respect, space, etc..
For me, i am the kind of person who has a few really, really good friends and sometimes i try so hard to build that friendship when others just seem to have acquaintance friends (I guess)......I am frustrated that i try so hard actually, have tried everything... and now i just have to let go ... fine.. why do i spend so much energy on people?.. I bend over backwards in accommodation and now just feel like i put myself in jeopardy and am a bit exhausted and sad ....and somewhat pissed... (i can't expect anything).... just want to get into my own shell and re-group.....what do you think?.. monks-kolson
Wonderful, Carin. If we can become friendly to our own crazy-feeling emotions, other people are so much easier to be engaged with and don't seem so difficult if they are confused and acting out. In fact, those people don't seem so much like "others" any more. I've also found that mysterious and beautiful change happens in the lives of those around me when I am being friendly with my own mind.
ReplyDeletem-k,
ReplyDeleteyour letter touches a sore spot within me, one that has been so my entire adult life. It also deals with the subject of "people-pleasing," so recently addressed here.
Isn't excessive people-pleasing a symptom of our *_expectations_*? Don't expectations set us up for inevitable dissatisfaction? I know this in my head, but not yet in my heart. For almost 30 years I've struggled to take it to heart. Thus, I've returned to my first guide, J. Krishnamurti. I think I've been avoiding this teaching during that entire period, but it just won't go away:
"Do you know what it means to love somebody? Do you know what it means to love a tree, or a bird, or a pet animal, so that you take care of it, feed it, cherish it, though it may give you nothing in return, thought it may not offer you shade, or follow you, or depend on you? Most of us don't love in that way, we don't know what that means at all because our love is always hedged about with anxiety, jealousy, fear - which implies that we depend inwardly on another, we want to be loved. We don't just love and leave it there, but we ask something in return; and in that very asking we become dependent.
So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something - and it is only such love that can know freedom."
Most of us, indeed. How to achieve such love? Well, my head says, "stay open, stay present, so as to find one's own happiness, which is inexhaustible and cannot be denied by another." This is a lifetime practice. But, as Carina, Ram Dass, Pema Chodron and others say, the source is accessible with each new breath.
What do you think?
My $0.02 says something like, don't try to love. It comes or it doesn't. It's a state of being that arises rather than an action or a mental movement. Yes, relax. And curiously watch . . .
ReplyDeleteCarina, that makes sense, don't TRY to love. Love isn't something that can be forced. Kinda puts a spin on "Thou SHALT love the Lord thy God with all thy heart." It' hard to command or coerce love.
ReplyDelete