You Have to Experience Your Own Connection

Hi Carina,

How do you deal with daily life coping with chronic pain, injuries, and trauma? Without self-medicating, getting lost in seemingly endless talk therapy, or shutting down emotionally? Since a car accident in March, I've exhibited signs of an adjustment disorder, and continued pain from the trauma to my head and neck. My prognosis for the head trauma is good, although it could take up to 1.5 years to recover symptom-free, if at all. The prognosis for my neck is uncertain, and I am currently undergoing physical therapy.

I've had many physical and mental setbacks on this road. There's not a period of time that rolls by without crying bouts, mood swings, and anger. I've had great support from family and friends, but I fear the challenges too great for any one person (or many) to withstand.

I thought I'd learned major lessons from this accident months ago: I had an unusual sense of inner peace, and perspective previously not experienced in my lifetime. I employed mediation, breathing exercises, therapy, self-help books, and mild physical exercise to assist me.

But now, it seems all is lost. My life as I knew it is still very limited, and I'm having trouble finding new, but healthy ways to cope. With the resurgence of pain, difficulty concentrating, and continued PTSD-like symptoms, everything has lost its former meaning, and I'm having trouble sustaining enthusiasm, hope, and energy for future endeavors, relationships, and happiness. This is particularly disheartening because my side job (as you well know) does, at its core, require me to provide inspiration and drive to others. But mainly, I feel cheated, scared, and embittered by this turn of events -- and I keep wanting to wish it all away.

How can I deal better?

I appreciate anything you have to say.



*****



Dear Reader,

I'm grateful for your letter and rather than pretend I know what it is you're experiencing, I'm going to defer to one of my teachers, who has time and again forged the path for the rest of us bumbling, stumbling, clinging and scraping along through this ever-changing life. As I write this, I'm reminded of this teacher saying that each person's path is unique and each person is here to play that unique path out. He says you can't go along with someone else's trip. You have to experience your own connection.

It seems as if this experience you are having - unacceptable as any of us would have it be - is now your specific path. I hesitate to say this out of not wanting to sound like I'm handing you a cliche. But there it is. Sure as I'm sitting on my couch, leaning forward and slightly straining my left shoulder as I type. Ah, see? Thank you for bringing my awareness to this moment. Now I'm sitting back. Less strain.

What we are experiencing right now is IT. There is no other way this moment could be. Our job is to find it in ourselves to open to that, again and again.

In the movie that I'm going to suggest for you, you will see stories of people who have been asked to accept the unacceptable and who have experienced major changes in their lives that didn't go along with the plans they'd created for themselves. And yet, there they are. How does one go on?

Our suffering is our path to God. And no one wants to suffer.

The mind (or the ego, the unconscious part of us, call it what you like) has such solid ideas about who we are, who we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to be, etc. And yet, like everything else in this ever-changing universe of forms, we are as we are. Right now. And that's it. That's the doorway.

This very moment is infinite.

You are likely going through a big challenge to the mind and the ego that knows you - or imagines you - in a certain way. Be very gentle to yourself during this breakdown, and do what you can to stay open. Feel the breaking down of the ego and, when you are able, observe it from the infinite space of knowing that rests behind everything.

It seems as if you have some strong tools already. And here is where I'll stop talking and give you a homework assignment.

Rent the movie Ram Dass: Fierce Grace. You can even stream it on Netflix like I did this afternoon. A good part of the movie is Ram Dass, once a thriving Harvard psychology professor turned yogi loved the world over, as he recovers from a stroke he had in 1997.

As I was wondering about what to write to you, I happened to revisit this documentary. And then I knew that was the offer I have for you today.

It is a gift from one of my greatest teachers. I bow to him and to all those who came before him. As Pema Chodron writes, "I feel gratitude that someone saw the truth and pointed out that we don’t suffer this kind of pain because of our personal inability to get things right." (Click here to read the chapter from The Places That Scare You - Fearlessness in Difficult Times.) And to the great teacher within, who leads the way if we are quiet enough to hear, my deepest gratitude.

You could very well be pioneering the way for the rest of us. For sure as night turns into day, we will all go through major changes and losses in our lives: physical, emotional, roles we play, relationships, etc. Our attachment to them is our suffering. Being with them is our gateway.

Thank you so much for writing. Stay in touch.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.