Not in Action, But in Observation

Dear Carina,

I am 59 years of age, but I too am an angry little girl inside. My family was from Long Island, New York; a wealthy community where we appeared to be “normal and happy”. But, my parents were dysfunctional people who desperately tried to form-fit me and my brother to their fucked up standards. Neither parent grew up with an important father or mother figure in their lives, and as a result didn’t know how to be parents to us. My father was a success-driven man who worked, ate and slept with little time for anything but discipline for his children. My mother didn’t have a role model of a mother and was totally unequipped to show love or affection to us. I rebelled as soon as I was able to think and speak, thus becoming the ‘difficult, uncooperative and argumentative’ daughter. I grew up feeling that I was never good enough, didn’t deserve love and affection, and very self-destructive.

As an adult all of these inner feelings manifested into bad decisions with relationships and life in general. Now I realize that each and every thing that happened was meant to happen for my inner growth and evolution.

There is one thing I am wrestling with, which I need help with. I was born with a scoliosis (spinal curvature) and have been in physical pain since I was 24, and it just got worse (it’s a degenerating condition) with age and time. I am dependent on pain medication, as there is no cure or relief for my condition.

I find myself living in the ‘pain body’ literally and figuratively. I am always in pain, and it’s very easy to be in the present and watch the pain body, acknowledge that it’s there, but never can get past it. I am a survivor. I had to become that to get through life. There is always anger right below the surface. Most of the time I keep it in check, but when I have to interact with my mother the anger seeps out and I can get very ugly with my words. I know now that she did everything she could to be a “good mother,” yet she was a failure and I cannot seem to let it go.

I want to get rid of the anger I have inside, but everything I have ever tried never works for very long. I read Be Here Now when it first came out, and every book Ram Dass wrote in addition to many other teachers. Mr. Tolle’s works are very important, yet extremely heavy reading for me.

Do you have any thoughts you could share with me?

Debby



*****

Dear Debby,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your question with us.

We all have some part that we manage to keep beneath the surface that sometimes just comes out, like it or not.

There are few situations that bring it out of me like hanging out with my family. It's such a trip to see. And that's what we're going to talk about here: seeing. That is, watching without judgment.

The way you describe your parents is familiar. So few parents were given workable road maps for parenting. Our parents surely stumbled - and continue to stumble - through the process and the role playing as most of us stumble through most of our intimate relationships: driven by righteousness, thoughts, emotions, and social constructs; unconscious, and with a weight from our minds telling us that either they or we should be somehow other than how we are.

My family scares me; they are such mirrors for me. When I'm with them my general laissez-faire attitude goes right out the window, and I just become one big ball of resistance. I wouldn't even know I was resisting if I couldn't feel it in my body. And Debby, I know you are acutely aware of your body, so you can notice the tensing of resistance right away. I tighten up because there's some other way that I want my people to be (even if I have no conscious vision of what any other way would be). Then there's the way I think I should be being, too. Then I need a chair massage.

We can't control our family members, nor can we rationalize our way out of feeling discomfort, resentment, sadness, fear or anger. And I'm quite certain that our parents had their version of this with their parents - not to mention with us, too - and that they feel badly - combined with justified - about their feelings. We all have this in common.

The good news is, nobody's doing anything wrong.

And, in fact, nothing needs to change. There is one small shift that we can make, not in action, but in observation, that can make a huge difference and can breathe space, freedom and movement into these situations that just seem like failures.

I watched myself go through it with my mom the other day. We were driving in the car, and she asked me a question that just flipped my automatic switch. Rather than being that comforting space of presence my boyfriend encouraged me to be (easy for him to say, he's in New Zealand, not in Ohio), I was just my mom's kid, offensive and offending as ever. Even as I write this, I smile. It's been such a mirror and such a lesson in just watching the waves of humanness.

We watch, as if from up in a giant oak tree, with solid branches to hold us and roots that won't budge no matter how we behave. We see the whole scene play out and have compassion and empathy for ourselves and each other. We have compassion because from that vantage point we see and know that these emotional moments, however minute or grand they seem at the time, are part of the natural arising and passing away of everything in this life. We can watch, without being lost inside of them. We can allow them to play out. What use is it to try to resist a wave?

And we have empathy because from up in the observation oak, we can see that we're all in the same boat. Unconsciously acting out our robotic roles and wishing that we behaved and reacted differently. Most of us think on some level that there's something really wrong with us. We have this in common with everyone: our parents, our siblings, everyone.

We can be grateful that we have any moments of consciousness at all!

I know in your heart that you want to forgive your mother and allow her to be. But it's tricky when your head is trying to do the forgiving. You write, "I know now that she did everything she could to be a 'good mother,' . . . " and you probably make yourself wrong for not being able to internalize that.

Remember, there's no should in spiritual growth.

What we are here to experience in every moment is what we are here to experience. That's just how it is and it couldn't be any other way.

So what you get to do is just feel that anger, notice your resistance, watch it all play out, and allow the moment to be. You’ll notice that the allowing and observation lets the air out of the tires of the situation.

We would do well to remember that we are spirit born into form to experience life through these specific forms. And along with these forms come emotions and weirdness and words that we wish we could take back. And if we can, however momentarily, get ourselves to the place where we can watch it all go by with a smile and a pat on the head, we are bringing the source of all life and unchanging peace into that moment, and the moment has infinite value.

I'm grateful that you wrote and that we're contemplating these experiences together.

Love,

Carina

P.S. You mention that Eckhart Tolle's works are heavy reading for you, and I want to recommend his amazing and almost unbearably simple new book, Guardians of Being. My attempts to describe the simple spaciousness do not do this book justice. My mom and I both relate to this sweet book, with drawings by cartoonist Patrick McDonnell. In fact the copy of the book I have now, my mom gave me. It is instant slicing through the noise of the mind, and is an usher into the present. I highly recommend it.

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

The Birth of True Compassion

Dear Carina,

How do I get rid/tame the angry little girl who lives inside me? She sabotages almost everything I do, holds my tongue to keep me from speaking up for myself which compounds the self-hate that I am trying to heal.

(Inner child, emotional and sexually abusive childhood)

Yes, I have "The Courage to Heal" and yes, I am in counseling, and yes, I am taking anti-depressants.

Ideas?

~ Annie



*****



Dear Annie,

Thank you for writing. A lot of times when I get letters from readers, I go through a time of feeling inept. I read about scenarios that I may or may not have experienced first hand and wonder what I can possibly contribute to the situation. I think this process actually helps because it gets me out of my mind and into a deeper inquiry.

I've been chewing on your question for some time now, and I went through that inept phase. Next I thought about automatic therapeutic answers: working with the little girl, nurturing her, asking her what she wants, working out a deal to give her loving attention as soon as possible. These can be useful practices, in part, because in order to practice them, we need to have a level of awareness that the little girl is activated.

All humans have some form of this. Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body. What's beautiful about his distinction is that it depersonalizes the experience. In fact, it universalizes it. The pain body could also be referred to as our unconscious or automatic states of being. These are ways of being that are programmed into us, coming from many different sources: genetics, our parents, our culture and its own collective suffering, the great suffering of our ancestors, or simply being human and forgetting that we are the Divine itself.

These states are not personal, and they are not the depth of who we truly are. But, man, are they convincing, not only that they are us, but also that who we are is awful.

Right? Did I hear you say something about self-hate? So painful. So terribly painful. And on some level, all humans have this experience.

I found this written on a notepad next to my bed last night: "When the pain body is activated and in charge, we cannot choose," and I thought of you. It's not your fault nor even the angry little girl's fault. We are not conscious when the pain body is active. It's like sleepwalking.

So what are we going to do?

How about this, from Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now; when you are activated, especially if you can notice it coming on:

"Focus attention on the negative feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain body. Accept that it is there. Don't think about it—don't let the feeling turn into thinking. Don't judge yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you."

When you move into the observer position, even for a fraction of a second, you break the resistance and struggle with the situation, and the seed of peace is planted.

This is also where true compassion is born. As we stop associating who we are with what's happening in our mind and settle back into a neutral place of watching, our hearts soften at the poignancy of the human condition.

We see these tender hearts that long to be cared for, and in these moments when the upset part of us is driving the show and we fight against it, it can only turn and hit back. The paradox and relief comes through allowing it to be. So, we observe, as gently as we can. Oh there's that again. And here I go again. And [keep breathing] there it is again.

In doing this practice, the mind stream is interrupted, and a sliver of presence is inserted. Oh, here I am walking through the grocery store parking lot and the sun feels hot and so does the blacktop. We do not think these things, we simply experience this moment through our senses. It may be brief and fleeting, but these moments have cumulative benefits.

Just remember, you may not get relief in the very moment that you're practicing. Or you may. But even if you don't, trust me that any practice that brings us into the present over and over again - that is, interrupts the judging, judging mind - is ultimately beneficial and could very well begin to soothe that sad (and so acting angry) little girl.

I know that your question will be helpful to lots of people and I thank you again for writing.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

One of the Great Miracles Made Possible through Intimate Relationships

Hi, Carina~

I am wrestling with ambivalence about an intimate relationship~ whether I should stay or leave. It's not easy because I absolutely love this man, and he loves me, and we are faithful to one another endlessly. But we have some issues in our relationship, mostly what I think is built-up resentment. We argue often now, most of the time over perceived needs that are not being met and little things that trigger anger. There are insecurities on both sides, and we are both flawed and human. Sometimes I feel so unhappy and have a lot of sorrow and guilt because I don't want to make my beloved or myself unhappy. He has issues with depression, and I feel like I might be enabling him by feeding his complacency with my own energy because I feel like I've fallen into a rut. Sometimes my gut tells me to run and sometimes it tells me to hold fast. Anyway, it's very complicated and I am aware that I am whipping myself into a frenzy as my monkey-mind pathologically chatters on... I'm just so confused and weary to the point of feeling profound failure at times.

I'm going to start counseling for myself, and I'm hoping that if we go as a couple that it might help. I just want to do the right thing for both of us, but I'm not sure what that is. Any advice on how to proceed?

In Loving Gratitude,

~~~~



*****



Dear Friend,

I'm so glad you wrote. What you're asking about here is indeed a universal scenario; that is, ambivalence in relationships. Kudos right away for the level of awareness that you're bringing. This is the key.

You write that you know that your monkey-mind's chattering is perpetuating your spinning, questioning mind. That's brilliant. All you have to do is notice.

You can always tell the difference between when the thoughts and ideas are coming from the mind (sometimes called the ego or unconsciousness) and when they're coming from stillness and intuition within.

It's as if the noticing, the observation, creates a ribbon of space, like the thin line of the Earth's atmosphere. In this sliver of silence, wisdom can arise.

I am always saying the same thing, aren't I?

You're not always going to be able to quiet down the churning in the moment. And so your job is to observe it -- without judgment -- as best as you can, being a human being who's pretty much always judging and assessing, like the rest of us. Observe all of it, as gently as you can.

Another thing to watch for with our intimate partners is the inevitable arising of old habit patterns. I mean, we're talking ancient habit patterns, that are surely and perfectly instigated by our partners' own brand of the same.

I have experienced in my relationship moments when mine and my partner's stuff are activated and no one can tell who's went off first (chicken? egg?) but there we are, reacting. And so, if I'm really paying attention, I have the opportunity to recognize my own old habits (I get pompous!) without having to get on board with whatever story they're telling me about why there's a problem with [any] relationship.

Or if I think I'm seeing some unconscious behavior in my partner, if I'm conscious enough not to get swept up in my own old reactions and posturing, I can notice it happening and hang out in a neutral position that is ultimately one of tender compassion.

And this seems to be one of the great miracles made possible through intimate relationships: the ability to be still or have someone be still enough for you that the unconscious patterns that we developed eons ago are not taken for who we really are. So much healing to be found, universally, every time we rest in that compassionate knowing.

And we have to have that compassion for ourselves. It's the only way this works.

So, should you leave your partner? I don't know, and I don't know that it matters. You don't need to know either. Opening up space -- and using the difficult times as catalysts for creating those slivers of space -- will allow life to flow naturally and for each moment's actions to become obvious to you as they arise.

There is no right or wrong scenario. There is only the opportunity to shift from the sleepy game of the mind, to the peaceful space of stillness that is who we really are.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
carina@nowstayopen.com

You Have to Experience Your Own Connection

Hi Carina,

How do you deal with daily life coping with chronic pain, injuries, and trauma? Without self-medicating, getting lost in seemingly endless talk therapy, or shutting down emotionally? Since a car accident in March, I've exhibited signs of an adjustment disorder, and continued pain from the trauma to my head and neck. My prognosis for the head trauma is good, although it could take up to 1.5 years to recover symptom-free, if at all. The prognosis for my neck is uncertain, and I am currently undergoing physical therapy.

I've had many physical and mental setbacks on this road. There's not a period of time that rolls by without crying bouts, mood swings, and anger. I've had great support from family and friends, but I fear the challenges too great for any one person (or many) to withstand.

I thought I'd learned major lessons from this accident months ago: I had an unusual sense of inner peace, and perspective previously not experienced in my lifetime. I employed mediation, breathing exercises, therapy, self-help books, and mild physical exercise to assist me.

But now, it seems all is lost. My life as I knew it is still very limited, and I'm having trouble finding new, but healthy ways to cope. With the resurgence of pain, difficulty concentrating, and continued PTSD-like symptoms, everything has lost its former meaning, and I'm having trouble sustaining enthusiasm, hope, and energy for future endeavors, relationships, and happiness. This is particularly disheartening because my side job (as you well know) does, at its core, require me to provide inspiration and drive to others. But mainly, I feel cheated, scared, and embittered by this turn of events -- and I keep wanting to wish it all away.

How can I deal better?

I appreciate anything you have to say.



*****



Dear Reader,

I'm grateful for your letter and rather than pretend I know what it is you're experiencing, I'm going to defer to one of my teachers, who has time and again forged the path for the rest of us bumbling, stumbling, clinging and scraping along through this ever-changing life. As I write this, I'm reminded of this teacher saying that each person's path is unique and each person is here to play that unique path out. He says you can't go along with someone else's trip. You have to experience your own connection.

It seems as if this experience you are having - unacceptable as any of us would have it be - is now your specific path. I hesitate to say this out of not wanting to sound like I'm handing you a cliche. But there it is. Sure as I'm sitting on my couch, leaning forward and slightly straining my left shoulder as I type. Ah, see? Thank you for bringing my awareness to this moment. Now I'm sitting back. Less strain.

What we are experiencing right now is IT. There is no other way this moment could be. Our job is to find it in ourselves to open to that, again and again.

In the movie that I'm going to suggest for you, you will see stories of people who have been asked to accept the unacceptable and who have experienced major changes in their lives that didn't go along with the plans they'd created for themselves. And yet, there they are. How does one go on?

Our suffering is our path to God. And no one wants to suffer.

The mind (or the ego, the unconscious part of us, call it what you like) has such solid ideas about who we are, who we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to be, etc. And yet, like everything else in this ever-changing universe of forms, we are as we are. Right now. And that's it. That's the doorway.

This very moment is infinite.

You are likely going through a big challenge to the mind and the ego that knows you - or imagines you - in a certain way. Be very gentle to yourself during this breakdown, and do what you can to stay open. Feel the breaking down of the ego and, when you are able, observe it from the infinite space of knowing that rests behind everything.

It seems as if you have some strong tools already. And here is where I'll stop talking and give you a homework assignment.

Rent the movie Ram Dass: Fierce Grace. You can even stream it on Netflix like I did this afternoon. A good part of the movie is Ram Dass, once a thriving Harvard psychology professor turned yogi loved the world over, as he recovers from a stroke he had in 1997.

As I was wondering about what to write to you, I happened to revisit this documentary. And then I knew that was the offer I have for you today.

It is a gift from one of my greatest teachers. I bow to him and to all those who came before him. As Pema Chodron writes, "I feel gratitude that someone saw the truth and pointed out that we don’t suffer this kind of pain because of our personal inability to get things right." (Click here to read the chapter from The Places That Scare You - Fearlessness in Difficult Times.) And to the great teacher within, who leads the way if we are quiet enough to hear, my deepest gratitude.

You could very well be pioneering the way for the rest of us. For sure as night turns into day, we will all go through major changes and losses in our lives: physical, emotional, roles we play, relationships, etc. Our attachment to them is our suffering. Being with them is our gateway.

Thank you so much for writing. Stay in touch.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.

You're in the Perfect Place for Expansion

Dear Carina,

I have recently had my heart broken. The man I was with ended our relationship because, "I was not a believer, and that his true path was to seek God and I wouldn't help that." Although I am not Christian, I do believe in a spiritual being or higher power. I am finding this difficult to deal with given the personal nature of it. I was truly in love and experienced wonderful things with this man. I am unsure of where to begin to pick up the pieces. Please help.



*****



Thank you so much for writing. I really feel for you.

It can all feel so personal, and our mental/emotional states - that we confuse with who we really are - have a field day churning over the stories and reasons and justifications and ow! and and and . . .

One temptation is to analyze why he does what he does. This can seem helpful at first. In the past when I had relationship woes, I used to talk with a therapist friend of mine about what might have been going on with my men. Our analytic conversations soothed me. They helped me come up with a theory of why they acted like they did and it depersonalized my feelings of rejection. So this can be useful for one level of relief.

After some time, however, I would find that the mental indulgence took the focus away from the deeper opportunity I was being handed.

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says that women tend to be closer to their spiritual essence, relating more to emotions and the body, while men tend to be further removed, being more identified with the mind (though they may purport otherwise, sometimes even criticizing their women for being unenlightened). Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but the good news here is that your heartache and willingness to stay open are access to your natural state: living continuously in the arms of the beloved, infinite divine.

And if you can't feel that right now, don't worry. You are still there.

There is always another layer of acceptance we can offer ourselves. If you cannot except the details of the current situation because it's just too painful for your mind and heart, you can open your heart to yourself and to the pool of confusion and sorrow that you're in.

Seemingly unsolvable situations ask for only one thing: surrender.



How in the world do you do that when your heart is broken and your mind is swirling with thoughts of defense and sadness and rejection?

You go inside. You get quiet. You see if you can sense, even if only for brief moments at a time, the infinity of who you truly are. Maybe you aren't your partner's path to God, but he may be yours.

Take very good care of yourself, quiet down when you can, and know that within you in this very moment is the capacity for all healing, all connection with the divine, all grace. You are none other than that. You're in the perfect place for expansion. I can feel it.

All love and spacious peace to you,

Carina

P.S. A longtime favorite book of mine during the hardest times is Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart. And one of my new favorites (especially if you're an animal lover) is the deeply simple and instant-space-connecting book by Eckhart Tolle and Patrick McDonnell, Guardians of Being. Takes a person right out of the stories and into the comfort of this infinite space we inhabit. It's absolutely beautiful.

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.