Noticing is All That's Necessary

Dear mk,

Thank you so much for writing. I like your language: "feeling a bit under the weather today.. kind of sad too.."

There's something so sweet and humanly poignant about those words.

I thought about you today and about your letter when I found myself ruminating on what seemed to be a problem in my world. I was into the details of it and into why I was justified in feeling stressed. And when I thought about your letter and thought about what I wanted to say to you, I got space in my own world. So I thank you for that. We are in this together.

What I want to share with you is simple: if you are able to notice when you are spinning your mental and emotional wheels in attempt to solve a situation, it's likely that you are simply caught up in the details of the situation. And noticing is all that's necessary. All enlightenment is right there.

These tiny moments that shift our perspective from the level of words, thoughts, stories, complaints, judgments, offense, defense, justification, . . . give our consciousness a chance to breathe, to come out and stretch. Just a momentary breath is access to infinity.

This noticing includes noticing when you're making yourself wrong for how you're feeling. This self-judgment is often such a natural place to go, we seldom notice it's happening, but it will take a person out like nothing else can.

A bit of faith and trust is useful here. And you can take my word for it. There seems to be a cumulative effect of moment upon moment of noticing, of coming back to quiet -- even just for a second -- out of the noisy conversation of the mind and emotional reaction, no matter what the topic. That cumulative effect is peace.

The trust comes into play because you might not seem to get relief immediately in the moment, but any moment that you are able to disidentify with the mind, you are giving yourself the ultimate gift possible in the human experience.

~~~

Now, regarding the relationships, I wonder if you are "trying to understand others' positions and allow him respect, space, etc.. " out of an underlying should?

What I see here is an opportunity to allow what you're feeling. Here's the trick, though: allow your feelings while still observing them. That is, when you are able, simply notice. Notice the feelings and the thoughts that are going along with them. Allow them, feel them, experience them, quiet down the mind for a moment so you can really feel what your system is experiencing, keep breathing, and allow it to pass through you.

And when it comes back, keep breathing.

This is the paradox and miracle of the painful experiences in life: heartbreak leads to divine love, if we're willing to bathe in those warm waters rather than fight them.

This all ties to your question about tucking into your shell and re-grouping. It's my experience that the quieter the mind and the more room we create for our deepest nature to arise and guide us, the more valuable that quiet time is. Or it may be that as we quiet down and let our deepest nature guide us, we no longer have the need or desire to reach outside of ourselves as much.

This does not make it so we no longer connect. In fact, we are able to connect most deeply when we are being truest to ourselves. You may find in doing so that those relationships that feel draining or feel like failures either transform with your own opening heart or they naturally fall away.

I like to think of people as 6.7 billion fingers on the hand of God, each one a unique and detailed creation. There is no set program by which any individual should live. In other words, my dear mk, your intuition and instinct know exactly how to live in the best way for you.

So if your shell is calling you, I say, grab some comfy blankets and a couple seasons of "The Office" on DVD, and get on in there. Your self-care benefits all.

Thank you so much. I'm grateful for your message.

Love,
Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.

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Hi Carina,

feeling a bit under the weather today.. kind of sad too.. I try so hard.. my boyfriend from the middle east (on work assignment from Illinois) .....hasn't written for weeks.. he's busy and doesn't have inet at home..............but gosh, i want to be mad and delete the emails from the last year, .........but i can't nor do I really want to .......... trying to understand others' positions and allow him respect, space, etc..

For me, i am the kind of person who has a few really, really good friends and sometimes i try so hard to build that friendship when others just seem to have acquaintance friends (I guess)......I am frustrated that i try so hard actually, have tried everything... and now i just have to let go ... fine.. why do i spend so much energy on people?.. I bend over backwards in accommodation and now just feel like i put myself in jeopardy and am a bit exhausted and sad ....and somewhat pissed... (i can't expect anything).... just want to get into my own shell and re-group.....what do you think?.. monks-kolson

Source has not left you. It is impossible.

Peace be with you and thank you for writing.

Let's step out of the details of the situation and look to see where some space might be opened for [your own] deepest wisdom and peace to enter.

You write, "although I try to stay connected to Source, I'm pretty freakin scared of losing everything." Of course one can understand this fear, and I empathize with you. It is persistent, at some level, with just about every person, whether the individual is attuned to it or not.

I want you to consider, if you can, that Source has not left you, even when you are wrapped in fear. It is impossible.

But I don't want you to try to rationalize this statement and try to believe it if you're not able to feel it. And please don't make yourself wrong for not being able to feel God's love and protection. This is the most basic human experience. The poet Rumi writes:

Listen to the story told by the reed,
of being separated.

"Since I was cut from the reedbed,
I have made this crying sound.

Anyone apart from someone he loves
understands what I say.

Anyone pulled from a source
longs to go back."

That you are asking this question shows me that you are in a deep inquiry about how to move in this situation, to honor your relationship and to honor yourself, and also to regain a sense of safety.

I'm sure you know this and I am just here to remind you - as the writing reminds me - that there is nothing better that you can do than to quiet your mind down and disidentify from your thoughts and emotions.

This does not mean stop having thoughts (can't do it anyway!) or feelings. Rather, it means that when you notice that you're on the spinning wheel of solution-seeking, the noticing can be a little bell of mindfulness. You can use that noticing to bring you into the present, into your body, into your feeling, into the feel of your feet on the floor.

The cool thing is that you don't need to try to hold that quiet space. Even seemingly minute slices of stillness - without thought, judgment or resistance - have a cumulative effect of opening up space and wisdom over time.

Your deepest wisdom, your true nature, has all of the answers. Your mind doesn't need to try to figure them out. It can't anyway.

What do we want from our relationships? What do we expect?

I learned something profound through a relationship not long ago.

I was in a relationship that didn't look the way I thought it should look and didn't feel the way I thought it should feel. I came to a point where I felt that I *must* get out of the relationship because it was just too painful for me. I spent a few days crying, really grieving it, and then I went to church and asked for help.

I wrote on an anonymous prayer request form, asking for help. I said I had a relationship that I thought I needed to end but that I was really sad and scared to do so (I was frightened of my own emotions). I asked the question with faith that prayer works.

Later that day I came across an article about how we don't have any proper archetypes in our culture for intimate relationships. This article breathed so much space into my consciousness about my relationship, and the whole scenario was transformed.

I realized that all of the pain I felt came from my rejection and resistance to what is (or was). I was reacting from a very specific picture of what I thought relationships should look like. And if we look across our culture, we see a lot of people struggling to cram themselves and their partners into these rigid pictures that just don't work.

That relationship ended up being one of my greatest teachers and I'm really grateful I went through that process.

In Michael Brown's article, he writes, "The first step required to authentically enter an intimate relationship with another human being is to do so from the point of awareness that we have no idea how to accomplish this."

For what it's worth.

Now, none of this is to tell you to stay - or to leave - your relationship. I don't know the answer to that.

I just invite you to notice when you're spinning your wheels and, even if just for an instant, take the observer stance and watch it all happening. From there, there's really no action that needs to be taken. All can unfold naturally. We ARE Source, kicking back and watching it all go down anyway.

Rumi's reed flute goes on to say,

"At any gathering I am there,
mingling in the laughing and grieving,

a friend to each, but few
will hear the secrets hidden

within the notes. No ears for that.
Body flowing out of spirit,

spirit up from body: no concealing
that mixing. But it's not given us

to see the soul. The reed flute
is fire, not wind. Be that empty."

And Source says, "Pass the popcorn."

I humbly thank you for your message.

Love,
Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.

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Dear Carina,

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 months. Context: At the moment, I have less money in the bank than I have ever experienced and although I try to stay connected to Source, I'm pretty freakin scared of losing everything. Crazy part of it is that the work I get to do is my passion, it just isn't (yet!) meeting my income requirements I need to cover my monthly expenses.

This has been going on a year and up until a few months ago I had big savings, but that is gone now. He thinks I don't work hard enough, I don't try hard enough and that I should just get a job-job because well, obviously I'm not supporting myself (I've gotten little loans, sold some stocks and am banking on a Tax Return that will pay next month's rent.) So he has loaned me more than some people and he deserves to have a say in how I spend my time, I think.

Thing is that he says he's not sure he "believes in me" and that breaks my heart. I asked if I could move in until I'm "back to being self sufficient" to not have to struggle with rent, but he said "not a good idea." Is this grounds for letting the guy go or do I push through his lack of confidence and "prove myself."

My friends that are all about "you get what you put out" would say I'm attracting him saying that to me. Well, heck yea, I'm really struggling to believe in myself - myself. But, I'm doing lots of work on clearing limiting beliefs like not worthy, deserving or being victim. Unfortunately, in his mind that isn't helping me move fast enough.

Can a person stay in relationship with a person who doesn't know if he believes in them because he has to "see it to believe it?" Mostly we get along swimmingly. But, it's been a year and he thinks I should have had it all together by now or in his mind it's unlikely that I will. It makes me sad.

I'd like to know what information you get when you ask about this in your stillness. Thanks Carina!!

A Tiny Space Through Which Infinite Grace Can Be Known

Dear Sugar Magnolia,

Thank you so much for writing. Just in your asking, I see your heart opening. When you ask for advice on "how [you] could respond (instead of react)," I see you caring for your husband and for yourself and for clarity in the relationship.

In being willing to take ownership of your own reactions, and really just in noticing them, you are already bringing in some space.

And space is what we're going for here. When we are in situations that don't have obvious solutions, we need to get to a place where we are quiet enough and still enough so that the greater wisdom (that is our true nature) may arise. In that space, we know that there are no wrong choices or really any wrong moments or situations. It is simply our interpretation of things that has us judge what is ultimately neutral.

I spent some time contemplating your question and at times felt inept at answering because I got lost in the details (the words that are said, the reactions, the drinking, the cycles) and in seeking a solution on the level of details. I came to see, however, that bringing in space is the simplest and perhaps most profound contribution you can make.

One way you could describe our goal here is that we seek to quiet the thinking mind, even if just for a moment. I believe that the regular practice of quieting the mind and coming fully into the present moment with alert quietness has a cumulative effect on our general state of well-being, specifically on our experience of inner peace.

There are some very simple practices we may all use to awaken out of our automatic, reactionary states.

One way is simply to notice when we're being pulled into reaction. The key here, however, is that you not make yourself wrong for your reaction. You simply want to notice, without judgment. In that moment of observation, you are not lost in the world of reaction (typically carried over from the past). And even though, right in that moment, you may not feel immediate relief, you will notice, with practice, a cumulative effect of more space, more freedom and more compassion both for yourself and others.

Another simple practice is to feel your body. I like to feel my feet in my shoes or on the floor (or at this moment propped on an ottoman and buzzing with aliveness). In those brief moments when we're feeling the aliveness of the body, we are tuned in with the enormity of life, beyond our mental comprehension, and the mind quiets.

Similarly, when we notice ourselves going through a wave of emotion, we can do the same: we can breathe, relax our body, and feel the wave of reaction as it moves through us. Typically we want to ignore or push away feelings of discomfort. In the paradoxical exploration of the sensations, we come to find that we've created space.

You can allow yourself to be exactly as you are in the moment. And with that comes openness and quiet, through which our deeper wisdom, beyond the churning of the rational/problem-solving/wrong-making/thinking mind, can arise and reveal itself to us.

You are in great shape, my dear, and I'm humbled by your question.

One final thought for this letter . . . I find instant relief when I recite the following loving-kindness meditation:

Just like me, this person wants to be happy and free of suffering.

Thank you for reminding us all that even - and especially - in difficult times, we can make just a tiny space through which infinite grace can be known. And THIS is our true nature.

Love,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.

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Hi Beautiful Sister Carina,

I would like some guidance regarding a situation in my life with my beloved husband.

It has become a recurrent reaction of his that whenever we have a disagreement or frustration, he blows up and says either that he is so tired of this( with exasperation and anger in his energy) or he threatens to leave.

Usually this threat of leaving deflects my focus from what the issue at hand is to that of "Oh my gosh, he's threatening to leave" and I cow-tow to this threat by telling him that I believe in him and our marriage and that I'm not ready to give it up and why is he so easily defeated? Why does he always want to cut and run?

Anyway, could you please offer some advice on how I could respond (instead of react)?

Also, on a side note, he is inevitably remorseful and sorry every time after a blow up and says he will not play the "I'm leaving unless I have my way" card again.

Also, on another note, for the past 3 months alcohol was usually involved with these episodes. The recent episode however did not involve alcohol has he has voluntarily decided to "cleanse or detox" for a period of time.

Thank you with love,

Sugar Magnolia

. . . you are in the perfect place. Always.

Dear Carina,

Do you believe in fate?
And can you say more about fate?

I have a belief that I will someday again marry, and my question is, do you believe things are predestined? Will it just happen that I meet him, or do I need to make it happen?

Jourdan

* * * * * * *

Dear Jourdan,

I thank you so much for your question. It is a beautiful thing to contemplate.

I believe that everything is as is, as I recently heard Deepak Chopra say. That is-ness is infinite and now. Everything that has ever happened, everything that ever will happen, everything that's happening now: it's all this instant. I have a gesture I make when I'm describing this. My words seem lacking.

I snap the fingers of my right hand, while moving my arm in a dropping motion, with the snap landing as the hand drops into this moment. There is nothing else.

And there is no other way this moment could be. Is that fate? I think it might be. Sometimes I call it karma. I may be contrasting other definitions of the word. I say it as in meant to be. And tell me, how can anything not be?

There is no other way this moment could be. And there's no other way any moment in the past could be other than what it was. Everything is as is. Just listen to the messages around you. They are telling you this. The Universe speaks to us, every moment.

Do you need to act in order to meet your husband? I don't know. But whatever is, is. Whatever is destined cannot help but to be, so you don't have to worry about it. The Universe has it orchestrated. You can relax.

I believe that we just look inside. We quiet down. We surrender our life to the Lord - get out of our thinking mind - and we live in peace. We can have it even better than we can imagine. And wonderfully and paradoxically, to get going on that river, we just have to take our hands off the wheel, or oars, as the case may be.

Deep clarity, presence, love of God, faith, . . . these seem to be very helpful in helping us navigate the waters of the flow.

A few of my favorite of multitudes of great resources are: The Science of Getting Rich, published in 1910 by an awake and wise soul, Wallace D. Wattles. A great foundation for creating out of the infinite, our true nature. And of course, The Power of Now. I have the audio recording of the book. Listening to Eckhart Tolle speak is like listening to Jesus through my headphones. {That dropping snap} gesture says it again.

What else is there?

Jourdan, you are blessed. You are a beloved child of God, and you are in the perfect place. Always.

Love to you all,

Carina

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.

There is Space Behind it and Within You

Dear Carina,

I feel overwhelmed because I have too much on my plate. I'm basically a single parent dealing with the death of my parents and moving to a city where i don't have a support network. Moving back to Toronto is hard because I am struggling with everything from culture shock to relearning this city as a mother to dealing people who are trying to take advantage of me to just bad luck. Everything is a constant battle. Nothing just happens smoothly.

For example. I ordered Canadian cheques and a Canadian credit card to pay for my rent to my new apt. The bank lost my cheques and credit card and I had to pay to stay in a hotel room while they sorted things out. I had to walk to the bank in the cold with my daughter everyday to see if they had the cheques. Finally when they got the cheques, I paid my landlord's sister. One day, I had a raving lunatic at my door demanding I go to the bank with him this instant because my account lacked funds and a bunch of other really ridiculous requests. Long story short. Small minor error in the writing of the cheque. All he had to do was ask me to rewrite the cheque without all the drama. Everyday is like this, drama, drama and more drama. Just a lot of bad luck and lots of drama with everything. I feel like I'm attracting this bad energy that is attracting bad people and bad luck.

I know I need some time to get used to a new life in a new city. I just wish it wasn't so crazy. Is there a way to get rid of this bad luck?

*christina*

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Dear Christina,

In your asking you are opening space and welcoming support. It's beautiful.

Any slice of quiet mind that you can get lets in some space.

Even if it doesn't seem relieving in the moment, anytime you can bring yourself right here: into your body, your bottom on the chair, your fingers on the keyboard or holding that sandwich, feeling one breath; you connect with the stillness that is our ultimate source of peace and comfort.

At times of my roughest suffering, when I can't seem to get out of an emotional state that's really working me over, I pray. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to that point. I'll tolerate the discomfort for a few days - sometimes longer, and then I remember. One day when I felt completely at a loss, I learned to lay myself out on the ground, asking for mercy and caring. Somewhere way inside, I knew there was protection in that supplication, infinite, and giant compared to the comforts of this world. It worked.

We pray, and it works because we know it will.

During moments of seeing no relief, there is one source to ask.

There is emptiness behind all life situations (and you know this). This emptiness is synonymous with the infinite love of our creator: that which always has you in her loving arms, into which you can relax.

Christina, beautiful, perfect sister, here's a poem I read today and thought of you:

In the world of Oneness,
there is nothing but yourself,
there is no room for counting.

But in the world of things
there is so much counting.

You may count a thousand apples in your hand --
If you want them all to be one,
make applesauce.

You may count a thousand grapes in your hand --
If you want the precious wine,
crush them all together.



The message behind the words
is the voice of the heart.
The source of all activity
is that utter stillness.

Now Shams-e Tabriz is in the royal seat
and all my rhymes
have lined up like willing slaves.

~ Rumi (translated by Jonathan Star)

Bump up that self care and take luxurious care of yourself. And PLEASE don't make yourself wrong for anything you're feeling. You are a perfect being of God.

Love,

Carina

P.S. I highly recommend the chapter on the Pain Body in Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. Seems like you might recognize something here.

If other questions arise from this writing, please email
nowstayopen@gmail.com.